let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
