Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
