Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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