I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
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The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
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I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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