Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
