you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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