Where did you get a picture of my penis
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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