Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
