Can i not drive my cunt home
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
