i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is Oprah even human
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
