I like to think it a success when the cops are called
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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