You're my little dorito
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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