i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
