I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
