I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
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