we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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