i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My feet surprised me
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