Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
