so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
