i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
