Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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