I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
wow bdsm is so cute
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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