Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
