I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Drake has all the answers
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
