guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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