Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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