I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
