Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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