She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
