Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
