My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
