she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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