I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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