when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
