I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
