He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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