He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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