the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
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My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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