Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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