Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
