I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
