Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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