Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
