I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
