Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
