I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
