I'm gonna have a badass scar
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
