Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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