i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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