wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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