I got chris browned last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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