dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
