my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
