The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
