U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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