Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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