I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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