True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
