How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
